2009 is exceptionally fast as compared to 2008. It is already 1 year since I graduated from Riverside Secondary School, and in about 7 days time, my promos will come. I remembered how I wished O level could come quickly, so that I can finish the nightmare as fast as possible. Today, I am wishing that promos can come later, so that I have more time to revise and prepare myself.
一年了，口头上说解脱了，实际上却是在逃避。虽然有点后悔当时的所作所为，但却学到了许许多多宝贵的经验。时间过去了就不会再重来，我只希望时间能渐渐将不愉快的过去冲淡，或被一一解开。我很欣慰，也很惭愧。曾今想过，从此避开。三思以后，那是懦夫的行为，我不应这样。
或许会有人说，我为什么放不下，那么记仇、那么小气。这事很惨重，对我的打击很大，甚至影响了现在的我。很多时候，记着它，是为了提醒自己凡事三思而后行，不要再做这些害人不利己的事。跌倒了，就重新爬起来。或许，有许许多多的事，不没有必要解释，还是重新再来吧。
21:00
Monday, 21 September 2009,
Sounds weird and astonishing, but I am actually prepared to surrender for the first time. I will still give my utmost effort, though the attempt seems very weak. If anything still happens and I cannot make it, I think I am sort of ready to take the huge blow...
Sigh...
What's wrong with me? Really...
16:10
Saturday, 19 September 2009,
最近的心情怪怪的，成天魂不守舍，好像有很多事情说不出来。表达方式好像越来越差，英语、话语都不行。很奇怪，曾今是一个常常站出来说话的我，不知道为什么越来越没信心、越来越不肯定。很害怕、也很担心，会有那么一天我完全不知道应该怎样将自己的感想、问题清楚地说出。
快要考试了，复习还是东一点、西一点，好像都不怎么理想。我很担心，也很想更努力，但精神实在非常差，很难长时间集中。我不想明年又有一班新的同学，我很怕，可是我知道，唯一能解决这问题的人，还是我一人。
不知道怎么搞的，最近越来越像一只缩头乌龟，和以前那莽莽撞撞，不顾一切往前冲的我有了很大的对比。一有问题，不再会像以往那样思考，找出能够解决问题的每一种方法来。反而，我感到害怕，满脑子都是；“死定了。怎么办？”这些负面想法。即使能冷静地坐下思考，脑筋也没以前那样敏锐了，全都是很肤浅的法子。
内心世界正在面对这些变化，可是外在世界还是一样地在转动。我还是正在领导同学们的一位学生。这些变化对我非常不利，因为我已经不知道该怎样处理一些棘手的事情。很担心，自己将毁掉自己的学会。我经常说自己最辉煌时代已经过去，或许是真的吧。
时间过得好快，已经快一年了。还是没完完全全放下那早在去年就该放下的包袱，好执着哦。虽然许许多多我心结都被打开了，但还是有一两个重要的还偶尔困扰着我。说出来应该会被人笑话，所以尽量将这些心理的大石压下去，不让他们影响自己的“新的篇章”。
我只相信人会越来越聪明、懂事，不会越变越笨、越来越糊涂。我不甘心、也不喜欢我现在的变化。时间不多，脑子不活，我得尽快找到一个方法，找回过去的自己。
11:42
Wednesday, 9 September 2009,
- A round coin has a square hole in the middle for Chinese in the past to tie them together.（铜板是内方外圆的。）
- However, looking deeper, the structure of a coin actually has a life theory to share.（深层面看，其实铜板告诉我们一个人生哲学。）
- The square in the centre should represent a human mind, facing changes without changing its original shape.（内方，象征着心以不变应万变。所以，人心永远都回保持着自己所坚持的原则。）
- The exterior circle represents our body, to change itself continuously to suit an unchanged surrounding.（外圆，象征自己以万变应不变。所以，人应该随机应变、入乡随俗，和谁都能在一起，但不会被影响而被改变性格。）
- Henceforth, the string, which represents almost your public relationship, can go through without any difficulties.（红线，象征着人际关系。人若能像铜板，那与谁相处，都会通畅无阻。）
Labels: ToL
19:03
Tuesday, 8 September 2009,
放假了，但却没有想玩的冲动，好想好好读书。放假了，但却没有应该有的精神，很想好好睡个觉。放假了，但却哪都不想去，只想静静地呆在家里。可是至今，却一件事都还没完成。天天都得回学校补课、赶专题作业，与平时没有太大的分别... ...
专题作业，没有进展，改了再盖，改了又改，改改改改，还被拒绝。“不要浪费我的时间！”一直在耳边响起，越听越失望，越看心越寒。我们跟着评语做，尽全能改进，但还是不合格。5个人变4个人，工作好像越来越繁重，喘不过气来。
心中包袱，日趋沉重。理想不能实现，拳脚未能施展。左堵右堵，堵的完全透不过气。有时很纳闷，为什么把我放在那儿，又如此刁难我。我是一颗棋子吗？我愿做一颗棋子吗？表面上，凡事都要我参与讨论；实际上，却有如傀儡一般，任由大家摆布。好想逃出这个恶性循环，但是我能吗？为此发疯翻脸，值得吗？
眼光短浅，误认人才，后果凄惨。不闻不语不改进，好言相劝却不听。如今，气他伤身，看他伤心。心寒啊... ...
好像被困在冬天夜里的荒野，冷、孤独、迷茫。还有看见光明的希望吗，还是将像灵媒一样，对人失去信心？
22:55
We had a rather special CT period yesterday. We had our very first CT investiture, the very first I heard of in my years of service in the "industry". I was very pleased by that at first. After so many years as a class chairperson, I always feel that class chairpersons are not given enough recognition and their work are mostly being belittled. Although no longer a class chairperson, I was very glad that the day has come for such recognition.
Sad to say though, on the day itself, the smile on the face was wiped off very quickly. The chair and vice chairpersons were wearing a T-shirt with a SWAT at the back. Fanciful at first sight, then we started asking what does SWAT means? "Sai-gang Warrior Action Team". I almost fainted when I heard it. Lols
So instead of going up to be honoured as head of class, they are actually going up to announce that they are members of SWAT. Firstly, I feel that to earn the respect as a class leader, one must not only have the capabilities, have the trust and co-operation of the class, but also to view their role as a class leader as crucial. Maybe I am too serious about such investiture, however I believe that every role must be treated with respect and we must give it our best and more, including not to belittle it.
Next, is the job of the class chairpersons and vice-chairpersons really shit? Miscelleanous and mostly administrative, nevertheless important as they set the foundation for many other things to be done. It is a form of servant leadership, and it is noble as how the class runs actually depend on their guidance. Hence, calling it "Sai-gang" is a bit negative. There are various form of leadership, just that the class leaders happen to fall into the "service sector".
On the whole, the whole investiture is not bad. As it is the first, there are bound to be room for improvements. It is a fantastic idea to have such investiture, and I have enjoyed it to a certain extent... ...
21:00