Tuesday, 31 March 2009,
Was feeling very low today. I guess is from the lack of sleep nowadays and I didn't have breakfast this morning. In addition to that, there is also another issue that is weighing me down.
Only had 2 lessons today, so I was doing math extra questions. Realised that it is indeed a killer and I ended up tearing up my work for APGP. The consultation table was full when I was asked to tag along for consultation by those left in the canteen, so I went to the other table to do my work.
The frustration overwhelmed me again as I had the urge to tear away my Binimial Expansion work too. In the end, I had no choice to put them aside and started reading to cool down...
Went to meet another teacher later. Finally, I got a chance to express what is weighing me down and my fears. The teacher is quite understanding. She seems to have spotted the problem too. After assuring us, I got the motivation back again. Left school feeling much better and we went to AMK Hub for a food party... Lol
That's all today. Need to do PW PI. *wink wink* =D
18:50
Monday, 30 March 2009,
总觉得离你越来越远，好像好久没再听到你的声音。从朋友那儿听见你已爬到了四楼的楼阁，我不禁为你高兴。但可惜，我们好像以擦肩而过。你在上个楼的同时，我已从三楼爬下，无法与你相遇。感觉上我好像是最后一个知道这好消息，但我已无所谓。曾很多次说想放下，却总是没有。最终，还是狠下了心，放弃梦想，放弃在看见你的一丝丝机会。或许，我能随着时间，忘了你。好想看你发来祝福的简讯，但我知道，你很忙，是不会记得今天的。愿一切随着风飘去，我能放下往前去... ...
...........................
总觉得自己在中学后就不会再找到知己了。曾听过一位在台上说过话的人说过，中学找不到知己，今生恐怕再也找不到一个了。我带着阴影，迁了都。上天保佑，让我找到了一个好兄弟。他不仅让我走出了阴影，也让我重新寻回那失去已久的快乐。许多事，让我觉得非常巧。常常会问自己，怎么我俩对某些事的想法、作风竟然几乎一样！找友易，找知己难，更何况，我找友也难。有时真不知道该说些什么好。或许是怕失去吧。已有证明，四年的友谊能被一件事毁掉，所以这份友谊，我非常珍惜。想在此说一句憋了很久的话：“谢谢你。”也想为有时的错误举动说声抱歉。愿我们友谊长青！！！
.........................
总觉得生日每年会渐渐地静去，不过今年的却让我难忘。那么多年来，今天是第一次有朋友为我庆生，一班好朋友。谢谢你们的惊喜、谢谢你们的卡片。我很感动。除了想哭以外，都不知该说些什么好。在此给你们鞠躬了。
.........................
总觉得自己退位、迁都后就不会再被卷进政治风暴里。万万没想到最终还是被卷进去了。我走了四年的仕途，已经怕了。本想在退位、迁都后做个普通老百姓，却又再度上任。这次，我毕恭毕敬，谦虚地把自己分内的事做好，尽量少理政事，以免又遭受炮轰。然而，还是无缘无故地被卷进了风暴当中。可能是自己多疑了吧，不过却觉得被冒犯了，被踩在脚底下。最讨厌的，就是被踩在脚底，任人使唤。我等乃平起平坐，应和和气气地讨论，并不是私自处理，忽略其他人。因为如此鲁莽之举，看来又要掀起一场恐怖的战争。我不想战，但若非要出征时，必会率精兵，在把死伤减少至最低的同时快速地平息。愿这一切的一切都是梦，明日醒来后什么都没有... ...
Sudden urge to post these nonsense today, just thought of them. 'Cos my diary is locked and my table is messy, I have no choice but to reveal some of my deep secrets here. Realise that the words and sentences stringed are weird? That is because I don't wanna make it too plain. The last move...for the last time....
20:52
Saturday, 28 March 2009,
The Shrine there. It is out of bound to all. All I see inside are deities.
The buddha just by the gate of the cemetery. I think that is地藏王菩萨
The only poet in the whole cemetry of mostly soldiers and officers and prostitutes.
About 10k people under this tomb. The dead soldiers.Went to Japanese Cemetery today for CLEP Learning Journey. 17 yrs, this is the first time I am to a cemetery. Curious about how a cemetery looks like, so it was an eye opener.
I was feeling very uncomfortable there. No, not because I feel a presence of unknown objects, but it reminded me of something. The Japanese killed my great-grandfather, a murder that destroyed my roots. 'Cos of the death of my great-grandfather, I am unable to find any information about my past, as grandfather was only 3 to 4 yrs old then. I think they deserve it to die.
However, I feel it sad for them to be buried in a foregin country. The Japanese soldiers are very patriotic, and I feel very sad when they cannot be buried back in their homeland. Very complicated feel, I think I will write in my essay all these...
Went to Bishan Library with Jun Hao after that. Mugged for our math test for a while, chatted a while, then we left in the afternoon. Saw Wei Hao and Si Yuan at the Mac at Junction 8 while we were moving to the library....
Going off for homework. Bye...
16:33
Thursday, 26 March 2009,
Has been very busy for the week. Partially because I deserve it for not planning my hols well enough. Fortunately, I manage to survive the ordeal of being trapped in the pile of work.
19/3/09 - 20/3/09
Went back to school for Project Management workshop. Quite a dry workshop, but the facillitators made it very interesting. Personally, felt that the workshop is of very gd relevance as we need to use the skills in the future. I personally also got the chance to chair a dry event, which is horrible. I have never chair an event before. In addition, we have to work with another grp to come up with the event. With my rather weak PR plus my nervousness and anxiety, the whole event to me was quite a nightmare. Fortunately, there is Jianan and Yi Jing (sry if I spell ur name wrongly) to help, or else I think I might have just collapse there.
20/3/09
Went back to RSS for NPCC unit camp. Was very excited to return, 'cos I haven't really got a chance to go back since school reopened. Furthermore, this is the first time the Sec 3 are planning a unit event. I wanna see how they handle it. Was very touched at the sight of them working hard. Actually, I am still worried about them not being able to cope, having problems with each other etc, but I think I am really a bit over. They have become stronger. I have watched them grown, now they are leaders of the unit. It is time I really should shift my focus from them to my JC lifestyle. Maybe I have, just that sometimes, my mind will wander off to think about them.
The campfire was superb. I forgot when was the last time I had a campfire. I always feel very "emo" during campfire. Burn burn burn, burn away the bad things. Usually after that, I feel very relaxed and high. This time too. Super happy that day, even though I was scared out of my wits during the workshop. A bit sad though, at the end. Cannot stay back. Well, nvm, I came back to do homework still. There will defintely be time for us to meet again, I am sure. Remember my promise? I will try to make it true, 'cos Henry Loh has never break a promise till now.
The June CIBTC is very tempting. Though I have agreed to go, but I am now very worried. School reopens 2 days after the course, and I will have my mid year then. Worried about my studies. Furthermore, I have activities going on during the June hols, most of them clash with the course. Quite confused now. I have been considering for a while whether I should back out. It is really time I move on. My past has been rather disturbing, I wish to move on as I have just shake some off to carry on. Sigh, desicion making...
This Week
Busy like mad this week, manage to finish everything, and have some time for relaxation, for the time being. Went to CCA on wednesday for a sharing. Taiwan and China immersion trip. very tempted to go. I wish I will get the scholarship. I really wanna become a CL teacher, and I really wish to see the world more, and expose myself more to CL.
Had a personality test after that. Freaking true about myself. I have never take a test so true before. It has proved that I have changed from Sec Sch to JC. The usual reason I give to that, I have become slower in everything, scared of taking leadership responsibilities and very bad at expressing myself. Only after today's consultation with my CT, I have convinced myself that I should continue to chair my class. Hopefully I am not wrong in that.
Very tired. Shall end here then. Gd nite =)
20:07
Thursday, 19 March 2009,
Busy week for me. Was trying to complete as much homework as I can for the past 3 days. But, I don't think I have done anything yet. I am still thinking on how to write my essay. Writing essays is my only channel of expressing myself, because I don't know music. Yet as I age, the hand starts to get senile.
写作的双手，好像越来越废。越写越苦恼。近来的作品，都好像缺了什么东西。连幸怡老师都说不出来。直到金茗老师一点，才把我点醒。再看看那些写作，觉得很烦。它们是空的, 根本不会让人感动。开始觉得越来越失败。人，应该是在练习中变强，我好像却相反。一篇文章竟然写成那样，说真的，有点灰心，让我很想放弃。
我一直在说，自己以大不如前。 论记忆、论思想、论野心、论脾气等，已没有中学是那么敏感，那么强烈。“汉朝以亡，太宗以死。”现在的我，is neither here nor there. 还记得，那天与凯蔚聊天，说到中学时的事，再与他分享我现在的不同: 有了兄弟，和一群志同道合的好友。他听完后，说了一句深深打击我的话：“即使是好兄弟，他们会不会在你每次遇见困难的时侯，陪在你身边？”
Stunned quite badly by his question. I dare not answer. My answer is a Yes. 'Cos i trust my brothers and friends. However, according to my personality, I would say No. I believe in 有福同享，我有难独担。朋友有难，兄弟一起担。Spreading sorrow is a sin, that's how I feel. But, when my friends and in trouble, I will definitely try my very best to be with them throughout, if they want it, that is. I like to spread joy around, but I know I do not have much joy to spread. So, I try my very best to keep the sorrow to myself.
The week is filled with quite a number of mental obstacles for me to jump over. I think I am exhausted. I need to rest, and try to get back the feel that I used to possessed when I write my essays. As for Kai Wei, try to weigh, and see if my answer is Yes or No. Because I don't know myself.
19:21
Monday, 16 March 2009,
Holiday has come. Well, to most of the junoirs, it is a bit of holiday. For me, it is equivalent to self-study week. All the homework piled up for me. With lecture notes to go through and practise to make. I don't think I have had a holiday like this before. When sechool reopen, most subjects will have their tests. This, is flood with paper. Lol
Feeling more and more down recently. I don't know why. I feel like vanishing from the spot right now. The path I chose has been wrong since the beginning. I have almost no one with me on this horrible journey. They came and accompanied me for a while. Then they left, usually on the most crucial part/the moment I need support most. I keep thinking about the wish I made at the beginning of the year. Yet, it seems harder and harder to make that wish come true. 一个人走，是孤独，可怕的。虽然有人陪，但心总是冷的。或许，要求太高了。或许，有人陪以算庆幸了。This, is flood with negative thoughts. Must be cleared.
It seems that I have been waging war with myself so many times that I feel rather weak and tired. No doubt, I seem to getting very pessismistic. But, it is a sin to spread sorrow to my surrounding instead of joy. I can only yell them out here. Thousand apologies to those reading this. I have been spreading sorrow here. Lol
Haha... Finished posting. It is time to pick myself up and move on, stronger than yesterday.
10:06
Friday, 6 March 2009,
Life in JC is getting tougher and tougher. It's no honeymoon year as some described. It is worse than getting stung by a hive of bees.
Turning on the computer is not a luxury, because I have to come online almost everyday to print notes. Just 1 rule: No playing. This week is like, once home, on comp. 1000 words GP essay draft, 500 PW PI. Just got a chance to breathe before I go again.
Tomorrow is the sports carnival, At East Coast Park. Area C somemore. Quite excited for tomorrow, not because got run, but because I am returning back to the place where I forgot something. I am going back to the beach... ... Beaches, always a sentimental place for me. I found valuables there and lose valuables there. Tomorrow, finally can return, to the spot where I was lost... ...
蝴蝶成双远飞去，独留花儿丛中泣。
羡慕蝶儿成双对，天涯海角一起去。
田里虽有万花聚，知己却不其中立。
青山白水默无语，蓝天白云叹可惜。
Yawn, got to go do ther work. Lousy poem I know, but at least I tried...... =)
18:23