回首往事，不禁感叹道时间飞逝的速度。去年的今天，还在为prelim烦恼、为将要毕业伤心。今天，还是在为课业烦、为几位老师离去而伤心。

功课考试，仿佛又从头开始。虽然没有信心，但知道有困难时会有老师可以依靠，所以小心翼翼地踏出了一步又一步。化学，一科最有把握的科目，也开始从心再来，战战兢兢地考试。总觉得，这次不仅仅没有信心，也没有以往的动力。这很恐怖，因为我不知道该从哪里找动力。支撑精神的位子仿佛空了很久，至今才发现以披上灰尘，没有那群学弟妹们、没有那个特别的人物。我恍然大悟，原来心中特建的别墅一空当许久。没有时间再去寻找、再去留恋，只好靠自己，自己撑下去。

火车又来到了一个车站，几位人生中的过客，又下车了。忽然发现到，随着火车越来越靠近终点站，上车的人越来越少，下车的人却越来越多。最终，上车的人逗留的时间并不会久，开始为旅程写一篇新篇章时，到一半就下车了。或许，这是他们在旅程中所扮演的角色，但是，总觉有着许许多多尚未完成的故事而痴痴地盼望着他们会再上车。可惜，三五年后，才会因为看不到到他们，而笑自己傻。想想看，那就有几个三五年被浪费掉了？

过去，虽然有美好回忆，但从中走出来，是痛苦的。未来，是一个未知数，而通往它的路也是一片漆黑。我心惊胆颤地慢慢走下去，头却时不时往后看看自己的过去。对前面的路感到迷茫，很想转身向后走，但过去，我怕了。

原来，到最后还是卡在当下。

好久没上来写周记。不是不写，是不知道该写什么。自从考完试后，就仿佛一直在摸索一些事、一些连我自己也说不清的事。我不知道该怎么说，也不知道该怎么做，直到佳楠和幸怡的话为我指出一条路--冷静，思考。或许最近真的是乱的美德冷静、也少去了思考自己行为的时间。如今，虽然心还是一直在打结，但是，我还是有一些能耐去解开一些。

PW，一个让我头痛头痛再头痛的大烦恼，也算是被暂时解决了。虽然我知道这件事还没根治，但我相信，凭佳楠的理智、冷静，我们一定会没事的。其实有很多时候是有很多话想说，但最终还是话到嘴边，又吞下去。这好比在吞慢性毒药一般，好事，遗憾没的说；坏事，伤心伤神。可能我的本分就是静静地做事，不应说太多，以免浪费时间，激怒他人。谢谢你了佳楠，因为我真的好想放下一切，跑路、或者吞你所说的chill pill。

功课成绩，另一个大心结。老实说，这次的打击大，但收益也很多，只是我想不开，也不知道怎么想开。我不知道要怎么继续，因为信心已经灰飞烟灭了。老师们都要我多努力、多做练习，找回信心。说比做难，每天回到家头都好像快要爆炸了，即使有心要读书，也没有精力去做。渐渐地，我发现自己的思考能力几乎已经等于零。我没有精力思考、没有耐心思考、也没有奢侈的时间思考。但脑如海绵，吸吸吸吸，完全消化不下，转为自己的知识。幸好大脑不会爆炸，否则应该已经是知识满天飞了。

CCA也憋得我快窒息了。从书本上看过，新官上任的三把火要烧好，但佳楠却提醒我，会烧死所有的朋友。我不禁想起当时在中学的‘改革’结果。我气我自己，没有那个能力扭转一些事情的好坏。我想做出一番成绩，但我已经没有那个勇气。心里的火焰已经早被熄灭了。我很怕历史重演。我气我自己，用许许多多自己的原则捆绑自己。因为这样，我常常会意气用事，纠正一些‘错’的事情。每天为这忙，为那儿忙，快崩溃了。加上班上又给予的无形压力和不谅解，我仿佛就像夹在即使炸弹的中间，随时会说byebye。

很庆幸终于能写出一些憋在心里的烦恼。我静静地坐在客厅一边写着，又不禁想起了海。好像到海边去，但是时间已经不允许我这样做了。或许，严格来说，我连想像的时间都不应该有才对。看来只好再继续反省下去，揭开更多心结，中找回失去的东西了... ...

Went back to school for test yesterday. It was the same paper as our mid year, so I studied all over again and went vommiting the answers. Although quite bored, but I managed to do it again. I was calm and I managed to bring the points I remembered across for questions 1-4. I am contented with that, although I didn't have the time to complete question 5. Maybe I need to work on my time management, and I'll pay attention to it.

Spotted one thing that sort of knocked me awake during the test and gave me something which I think is an answer to a question I have been troubled with.

"In the end, it does not matter how much marks you get, but how much effort you've put in. You may have studied, but if the marks isn't what you are expecting, just continue trying. Never give up."

As the storm subsides, the rainbow starts to form across the sky, signifying a new and better beginning. Let's get gear up and prepared for the upcoming challenges. =D

長亭外，古道邊，
芳草碧連天，
晚風拂柳笛聲殘，
夕陽山外山。
天之涯，地之角，
知交半零落，
一觚濁酒盡餘歡，
今宵別夢寒... ...

I thought I could get over the struggle and return ASAP. I thought I did. Just realised that it is actually the start of a bigger storm. History seems to be repeating itself, the part that I hope I can forget. As I watch things unfold slowly in front of my eyes, the pain is extreme that I really feel like running away, forever...

Problems starts to surface clearly and I grew irritated. Decided to take things into my hands, with the presence of a teacher, just in case I spins out of control. Everything went smoothly, but I grew even more irritated and starts hurting people 1 by 1. Those that I feel are doing things 'worngly'.

When 1 thing goes wrong, it is common to see all other elements start to topple on you as well. Same goes for me. I really don't know where this will lead to. All I see is pitch darkness in front. Nobody can help me out this time, nobody. I've gotten all the help I need, and I have to depend on myself this time. To return to the surface and control which way I got to move.

Durian... Like a durian... prickly on the outside, soft and easily broken on the inside...

一切一切，好像越来越糟糕。从来没有用过那么长的时间思考过，却什么答案都找不到。或许，智慧之眼又被蒙上了，搞得我至今还在原地转。

考试成绩乱七八糟，老师一个个来追问原因。该怎么说呢？他们是不会相信我的，因为成绩很自然地给老师们我没读书的印象。看来这个学期的日子不好过啊。

专题作业乱七八糟，而我越来越急。或许是我太过急躁、紧张了，所以好像个疯子，动不动就意气用事。朋友们都以为我在针对他。其实，根本不是针对。我是个奉公守法的人，不仅守其他法则，而且也坚守自己的原则。对他，我已经仁至义尽。老实说，我没什么耐性，对许许多多的事情要求完美。稍微什么不对，就得马上改。一次，两次，三次，一直要我等，我是会发火的。其他组好像都做得挺不错的，但我还是觉得自己的足做得还不够。真不知如何是好。

乱七八糟，乱七八糟，乱七八糟，乱七八糟，乱七八糟... ... 阻塞一通，或许完事就能迎刃而解了吧。

The test results are finally out. Nothing much to say, 'cos I don't know what to say either. To summarise: I studied hard, yet I didn't get the grades I think I deserve. There may be many reasons for not doing well. However, my reason is that I panicked in almost every exam and everything just shut down.



Hard to believe? I doubt anyone will believe. I have come to the stage whereby my fear of exam has been out of control and it is badly affecting my exams, even worse than Os.



Confidence vanished as I prepare to kiss goodbye to a good grade to my CLL. I have never fail my Chinese tests, even when I was sick while taking the paper. This is the first time I fumbled...



Lots of things going on like nobody's business. With shocks after shocks, I really don't know how long I can stand against these coming blows. My self-esteem has hit record low and I do not know how to face it. Really feel like running away and let the heart take the full blast.



While I sort out my thoughts, the only thing I am doing right now is to keep myself cheerful in school. It is afterall, a sin to me for spreading sorrow to others.



Cowards run away, but they survived in the end and still stands a chance to fight back. I can run, but in the end, I know I am going to take the blow of the shock. How I wish I can retreat and sort things out...

I've made it back... Badly shocked.

Hasn't been in the right state since the 3rd week of school holidays. Now, I don't know what I am...

Looks like I shouldn't have write that essay for my holiday assignment. Indeed it is a new breakthrough for me to write using the format of a diary entry, however it is nevertheless still a tiring chore to do. Imagine pouring your soul out into the paper through the pen you are holding. To summarise it: 元气大伤。

Mid Year's gone as quickly as it came. I think this is the worse exam I've ever taken. I am always extremely nervous when I enter the exam hall that what I have revised starts to turn blank slowly. 1 week of math revision, and I came out praying that I don't get a single digit. 2-3days of chemistry revision, and I came out feeling hopeless. CLL P1 was still managable. The only paper that I was able to go through rather calmly. CLL P2? Horrible time revising, and the worse paper. I turned blank when Mr Teo announced start. Cold, hungry and demoralised when I walked out. Even started to worry about whether it will affect my biology shortly after that. Thank god biology was easy. The only paper other than GP that I am confident of getting a grade up to my expecatations.

New implementatitons will start soon. Hopefully it can boost my confidence level and lower the risk of heart attack. Lols...

Many questions are again flooding my mind. Trying my very best to look for an answer on my own. It's like spring cleaning in the mind. But when will it end?