Wednesday, 10 September 2008,
Went for the Friend of Singa Award ceremony today. I found out that I am one of the 219 students receiving this Most Courteous Student Award. Was excited at first. First time in my life, I am getting this award.
Excitement and joy is very soon overwhelmed by emptiness. To a few, I am not deem fit for this award. I have no one to truly share the joy with. In school now, there is really almost nothing now. I don't know where I went wrong. People seem to loathe me. I feel very cold in class. After school, I thought juniors maybe may cheer me up. They do, very much. However, when I learn about things they may be hiding from me, i get very worried. These few days are again bad nights for me. I don't know why. I feel that I have not done enough. Never in my life have I ever have such special bond to a group of people. When they're sad and demoralise, I get even more worried and demoralise.
To be frank, I am very tired of such life. I really have the urge to go back to teach them, train them. Some of them want it, I craved for it. If chairperson of another unit can still go back in full uniform every training, why can't I do it? Yes, the Os is important. But, I am not requesting to be there weekly, throughout the whole training. I will be contented just by talking to them and understand their woes, just for a while. 4 years of harsh training have drilled into my mind so deep that every week, I will have to be under the sun for the whole day for 1 day, and every week, I polish my boots. It is a form of de-stress sometimes, venting all frustration on the pair of boots. No more now...
12 more schooling days, 12 more cold, horrible schooling days. What can I do to make it memorable. I don't want to leave with so many sad memories. I don't want... ...
*Is this really anxiety disorder? Someone end it. I am losing it...*
20:23